April 29, 2009 Bloomington. It is almost a week since I arrived home. I have had time to reflect a little and I realize that maybe no one is still paying attention but I have a few more things to say.
It is hard adjusting to a “normal” life. I am really missing being on the go every day, reacquainting with old friends and meeting new ones. The drive towards adventure is still strong and will become a part of my life again. Someone asked me how I thought it would be to come back home. I kind of knew what to expect, I told them that having “hours” again in my business would be kind of like being in prison. It’s not quite that bad, I love being in the moment of photographing people but I become very restless when not in the moment.
Seeing my family was wonderful. I saw Noah the evening I got home and was very emotional, he has grown so much. Waiting several more days to see everyone else was hard. I look forward to being with them in the “normal” course of things but I feel a little different than when I left and I don’t want to give that up. For the first six months after Sue’s passing my home was my refuge, I was glad to live and work here and often didn’t leave for days on end. I still like the feel of home, I’ve always been a homebody, but I don’t need it to be a refuge as much as I once did. The healing that has occurred is unmistakable. Where once I could rarely talk about Sue without crying, it is now about 50/50. I can actually think into the future without feeling as much of the overwhelming sadness that a future without Sue once held. Getting away was crucial and the adventure of my experiences created some new pathways within my brain as I got used to being on my own outside of my little environment. Also crucial was honoring Sue with the things I did and allowing her thoughts and behaviors to become mine. I may need to find ways to do both of these things within the structure of everyday life. Old habits are very easily reassumed.
One additional thought is a bookend to my second entry about men and women. I now realize the tremendous amount of time, effort and energy it takes to nurture and maintain relationships within the social fabric. I think some men are better at this than most but most of us have relied on women to do the weaving. This whole trip was about the heavy lifting of relationship building and maintenance. It is hard work and stretches your mind and emotional capabilities but is enormously rewarding. I have always been about my little family and that will not change but stretching my relationship boundaries is now VERY important to me. The endless hours Sue spent on the phone sometimes seemed wasted to me in the past, but no more. She was a relationship maintaining genius and when she lost the hearing in one ear this past summer, I would kid her that she just wore it out on the phone. It was a worthy sacrifice.
Over a year ago I wrote a prayer that has proved prescient. I am not in the habit of writing prayers but wrote this one that kind of foretold of my journey since last summer:

“God grant me the courage to face what I must face in an honest and true manner. Let me be loving and generous to my family and friends, kind and fair to my customers and help me show due respect to all others I encounter on my journey”.

It is a lot to live up to and not that I always do but it is a good goal to have.

One final thing and then I think I am done, at least for now. I conducted a survey/contest, during my long ride through Montana and North Dakota, about music and I would like to share my results. As usual this occurred strictly within my nefarious mind. As I passed towns I would tune into a radio station and see how long I could listen to the kind of music it played, so I have created a hierarchy of music based on how many songs I could listen to from a particular genre. Starting from the bottom: As I listened to country music I determined the themes of the first three songs I listened to were: “I loved her but she was messing with me, playing with my emotions”, “guys want to go drinking and have a good time”, and “I’m gonna wear a short skirt, lots of makeup and go out and have a good time”. After these three, the subjects started repeating themselves. At three songs country was the genre I could listen to the least. At first there was a three way tie for second to last, the genres being: Christian, Rap and Irish music. But after thinking it over I decided that without all of the stomping (as in riverdance) I could only listen to about four Irish songs, so they slid down to second to last. I also thought it would be appropriate for Christian and Rap to be tied. Christian music has really only one theme but has such a wide array of talented singers and styles that it is possible to listen to five or six songs before the one theme seems too repetitive. Rap has many themes but only one style so it depends on how long your body can withstand heavy bass and lots of swearing. Again about five of six songs. The next up my list is the official genre of “Sue’s style of easy listening”. Now for the last ten or fifteen years I have been forced to listen to more than 5 or 6 songs at a time and came to either love or hate certain artists. If my 7 or 8 songs were Enya or Eva Cassidy I would be OK but I don’t think I can ever listen to Nora Jones again. Next up is classical, which when I am in the right mood I can listen to for 10 or more songs. For the next two it was tough to choose but I think the next one up is Jazz. If it was too mellow it would be in Sue’s easy listening category so this is, you know, Jazzy jazz. Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Weather Report and Herbie Hancock. I can listen to quite a bit of these guys. The second from the top is 50’s and early 60’s pop/rock. There is such an endless array of great music from this era that you could go on for a very long time without getting tired of it (Buddy Holly being one of my favorites). The only caveat being that you probably couldn’t do it every day. You can only take so much nostalgia. That leaves only one genre, yeah baby, Rock and Roll. It covers so much ground and I listen to music from many era’s, from Beatles and Jimi to Depeche Mode and Metallica. During the trip, though, I got turned on to Coldplay and John Mayer who are more current and good rockers but easier on my 60 year old ears. Sometimes the hardest stuff is just too hard. Have I ever told you about Spooky Tooth. . . . . . . . .? Jon
Disclaimer: if I have offended anyone with my list, too bad, it’s my list. Make your own list and see who cares. There is some music I have purposely left off and it stinks, it may not even be music. If you don’t like rock and roll what are you doing reading this blog, you should be in bed sleeping.